BAGEL HEAVEN: COUNTRY CROCK & PHILADELPHIA CREAM CHEESE
I'm too late for Ryan's opening blather. Will I never learn which channel this flipping show is on? I arrive in time for opening credits. Beedee beedee beedop beedee beedop beedeep. Whose face will be added to the montage next season? Will there even be a next season, with the controversy swirling around charges of sexual misconduct? Sex is such a touchy subject, isn't it? Touchy feely. Fun. Yet the rules seem to be set up and designed so people will "fail." Anyway, this is a singing competition, not a "who can sleep with the most inappropriate person" competition. Because we all know who would win that, don't we?
Speaking of Ryan, tonight's ensemble comprises a black suit and a pale peppermint green t-shirt with writing on it. "Simon - Meet Me at the Krispy Kreme." Actually, I think it said, "King of the Scene" which is more or less the same thing. Does Ryan think this looks cool? Seriously, T-shirts with cutesie slogans detract from the package, Ryan. Eschew them. If you're going to advertise something, I suggest Fear Factor. LOL. But then, I would suggest something like that. I love to be difficult.
By law, Ryan has to spend a couple of minutes chatting with us. "How was your week?" he asks, addressing everyone and no-one all at once. He is sheepish and affronted at the same time. Ryan has many talents and skills: he's not just an advertising billboard. He alludes, albeit obliquely, to the shock & outrage of the Paula Scandale, "That's what happens when you lose a guy like Scott Savol." Oh my aching rib. The wit and gay repartee. I need an oxygen tank.
Speaking of gay things, we travel back in time once more to the mythical land of Clue-Giving. Ryan goes behind a curtain to fetch this week's "clue" - a near-life-size map of the continental USA. I wish they'd figure out how to hard-wire Alaska and Hawaii onto these maps, don't you? After all, they comprise important demographics. Not to mention homes of Jewel and Jasmine respectively.
Two big stars gleam, one in a "gunbarrel" state and one in New England. He announces that the starred states represent the two themes "starring" in tonight's show. Let me guess: New England Clam Chowder and Kentucky Vintage? Close enough: the Sound of Philadelphia brand cheese and Country Crock. The Philly Sound is represented by two prolific songwriters, Gamble & Hoff. I've never heard of them, but it turns out most of us are familiar with their work. Theme Two is Country Music, from Tennessee surprisingly, a state famous not just for rolling green hills, walking horses, and moonshine whiskey, but also Nashville. Ohhhh, riiiiight, Nashville. Ye Olde Countree Opry. Of course.
Well. Seems like somebody caught a "gimme" of a category, but it's funny how these things work. Survivor fans know all too well how certain challenges appear to favor some over others. Remember Kelly Wigglesworth, the white water rapids "pro" who got beat at a rowing challenge by someone who had just learned to swim? Moral of story: let us not jump to hasty conclusions. Although it was introduced second, Country "I Can't Believe It's Not Heavy Metal" Crock is first. Fire up those toasters! Let's bagel!
Ryan explains that this week, the gaps in the program will be filled with loving messages from the contestants' family members. You know, those people who look forward to quitting their day jobs the nano-second that the newly-anointed star hauls home the first wheelbarrow of cash.
Carrie's sisters Shanna & Stephanie send their little sister sweet messages of love & kindness & encouragement. Aww, I'm getting misty-eyed. Don't blame me if there are typos. I wonder if/when Carrie will be allowed to see the messages. It seems like a mistake to thrust loved ones into her face right before she performs. It could interfere with her ability to remain robotic at all times. Will the world collapse in on itself if she displays real emotions? I expect the Carrie fans will have left the recap at this point.
She has chosen Sin Wagon by the Dixie Chicks for her opening number. Her voice quavers at odd moments throughout the song, because she caught a glimpse of her dear sisters and it choked her up. It IS a test! Because emotions can sneak up on you at any time of the day or night, but the Show Must Go On! You must perform regardless!
Carrie wears her usual country gal outfit of blue jeans and a pretty black top with sparkly decoration at the neckline. It's sweet, but doesn't scream, "Sin Wagon." Unless, that is, she's selling confectionery and other high-trans-fat goodies from a pushcart. That's the extent of sinful Carrie is capable of projecting. It's another bouncy, energetic performance, the kind we've come to expect from her on the fast songs.
For me, the problem with this "Carrie is an evil bad girl" shtick is that it feels like shtick. It doesn't feel real. It was cute the first time, but now it seems forced, as if she's trying desperately to have a risqué personality, to prove she has what will "sell." She looks too angelic to pull off true badness, and why would she want to? To coin a Simonism, it's as if she were 12 years old, being allowed to stay up an extra hour to mingle at the grown-ups' party. Everyone thinks she's adorable because she's on the Sin Wagon. Check out the cheering and standing O that ensue. Naturally.
Randy loves that he knows who she is, because he hates not knowing. "Your kind of music," he says, nodding approvingly, leaving unsaid how much it sucks that she's all wrong for it unless you're a pervert. Paula says Randy said it all, except she keeps talking, "You had fun." I'm starting to see how much of a liar Paula is. Her lying ways are just oozing out all over the place. Simon gives kudos for an effortless performance. He's pleased she showed "personality." Peh. Too bad it was someone else's personality.
TarasMommy, a poster at Sucks involved with VFTW, has it nailed:
TarasMommy reckons that if Carrie wins, the producers will try the wholesome route. When that isn't successful enough for them, they'll do what they did with Kelly Clarkson, to wit, from this::
to this:
Ryan basically gives Carrie a chance to state for the record how much she wants to be the American Idol. She deftly sidesteps that pile o' steaming broccoli. Sidesteps it! Like her whole career doesn't depend on her showing extreme excitment and glee at the prospect of being signed by the 'tards who own and run it.
Meanwhile, her poor sweet fanbase, the delightfully deluded CarrieBears, are waiting breathlessly to hear how much she, their favorite, their loved one, wants to be their Idol. And let me tell you, those Care Bears are dedicated. They're nice too, most of them. Just as sweet as she is. And as robotic.
"You don't want it?" Ryan is incredulous. Carrie says calmly, "I want it. I just have a life to go home to afterwards."
"Mooo. MooooooooOOOOOoOOO."
Carrie, your cows are calling you. They miss you. Carrie, go home to Iowa or wherever it is you came from. You're not ready for this.
Ads, but first, Bo soaks up powder. Before you can scream OMG!, not that kind of powder. Make-up, on his forehead. After ads, Ryan shmoozes old Idol contestants. Hey, it's John Stevens, Jasmine what'shername, and um, Mikalah? There's no excuse for forgetting one of this season's contestants. Call it the fleeting fickle finger of fame.
In Bo's Love From Home segment, his parents tell him to be happy. Bo's mom really is good looking, isn't she? I bet she uses Oil of Olay. Someone ought to look into it, because if she's his real mom, and not his stepmother, she either had him when she was 13 or she's using some product that could do with the endorsement and proxy-celebrity star-power.
Bo searched and searched and found the most innocuous country song ever. I bet Travis Tritt forgot it was one of his. "Feelin' Alright" is a happy little stoner ditty. Can I say that? Bo's in a black shirt that also sparkly business around the neckline. Is that "signature country" - clothing with sparkles round the neckline? It's a nice enough song, and I'd probably enjoy it more if I were high, but I'm not, and it isn't lighting a fire in me. Sorry, Bo. I prefer rock to country. Even when it's you doing it, hon.
Why do you suppose he chose such a vapid piece of insipidity? Was he trying to make a statement about country? Because surely there are some interesting and/or upbeat country songs, surely. Do you suppose he chose this because "country isn't his thing?"
Randy tells Bo he's already in the Dawg Pound. Are you as tired of Randy and his dumb Dawg Pound as I am? Why would any of them care whether or not they're in it? It's the most artificial construct on a show filled with artificial constructs. On second thought, maybe it's "code" for "you're going to get a recording contract regardless of how the voting pans out." If that's what it means, then yay!
Randy praises "another great performance" but also says he did not love the song. I agree with him on that much, as does Paula. She grins and, having sensed solid ground, takes the ball and careens around with it, "You need to pick songs that you're rising to the challenge."
Oh god. Why? Why is she still here? I've had to go and get a Paula Translator installed into my brain, because her speechlets require more than mental acrobatics and magic tricks to fill in the missing words.
Simon says, "What Paula was trying to say was, that was very boring." Actually, Simon, what Paula was trying to say was Bo needs to pick songs that challenge him. He could feel challenged by a song that's boring, or he could make a boring song sound exciting and challenging. For once, Paula's version had the potential to be more complex than Simon's. After it went through the AMAI-translator, of course. Simon isn't finished, "A very lazy uninspired and boring song," which frankly describes 98.5% of country music in the first place, so I guess I just answered my original problem with the song. Simon characterizes the performance as a "jam in a local club." Heh. Like Bo did this weekend with Lynyrd Skynyrd? Sorry. I'm being anachronistic. That hadn't happened yet.
But don't you wish Paula had leapt? She always misses her cue. So many good jokes, gone unuttered.
Ryan threatens Simon with Bo's grandma, because Ryan has a special relationship with the fans, and with Bo's grandma especially. Grandma Bice is seated behind Simon and makes with the threatening motions. It's hilarity at its most tepid.
After ads, Ryan shills for the AI Tour again, some more. Yawn. It's that time of the season. Things are winding down, we're down to the final few, and the after-show treats, specials and merchandising begin rearing their (ugly) heads. If they actually want me to get up and go to one of these AI concerts, they need to pad the Top 12 with more talent. I'm just not going to go see Bo do one song. I'm married with a mortgage. I don't have funds for such fripperie.
Vonzell is up next. Her cute brothers send her love & whatnot, which for some reason hits her very, very hard. She's chosen How Do I Live Without You? by Trisha Yearwood. Is this supposed to be a country song? Vonzell makes it sound like mainstream pop. It's boring - now, I see the country connection. My attention wanders and I become mesmerized by her dress. Vonzell is wearing a salmon pink dress that was put through a wood chipper. It is made of an unfortunate material, which up-close is a pattern of flowers but from far away looks as if someone miscalculated the setting on the iron. We're up-close again. I see the flowers. Far away again: who spilled a whole banquet table's worth of alfredo sauce on poor Baby V?
Her voice is getting lost in the orchestration. Is that the fault of the sound engineers? At least she's not smiling the whole time. When she's finished, mega cheering in the audience ensues.
Randy says it started "a lil kinda rough, first couple of bars." Don't tell me I also need a Randy translator installed in my head? He continues, "This song felt too slow, but in the end you always bring it home. I love that you always pick the most difficult song." Phew. Straightforward, if repetitive.
Paula cares about the contestants. She knows something is up with Vonzell, and asks, "How you feelin?" Her voice is motherly and full of concern. That's all it takes. Vonzell's eyes well up, she chokes out that she "had a rough day." Seeing her dad hit her hard. Paula continues babbling about the beauty of the performer who wears her heart on her sleeve, even though she's shaking her head as she delivers this commentary. I hate when people are saying positive things, yet their heads are shaking negatively. Something is always wrong, somewhere, when that happens.
Simon says Vonzell looked & sounded incredibly nervous. He's not a horrible ogre, after all: he recognizes that she is "very emotional" and says he'll leave it there. Vonzell nods her head, openly weeping. What happened? There were rumors about a friend dying, but perhaps it was just the pent-up emotion and excitement of actually reaching this stage in the competition. The realization that her life IS going to change, because she has a fan base, and offers of recording contracts, regardless of when she's eliminated.
Ryan calls Anfernie "the Ukrainian cowboy."
. His parents Natalia & Vladimir are onscreen to send love &
encouragement to their lad. She speaks in English, with some difficulty, "I love you so much, you're my little baby. Good luck to you for
everything." It's kind of touching. He's probably got it made, at least a little bit, having reached the final 4 and built a solid fanbase of
preteens.
To sing his country song, Anfernie begins seated onstage. It's his thing, now. He's in jeans, a black tee and a jean jacket. I'm Already There is probably the name of the song. Why have they decided we don't need to hear the titles of these ditties? He sounds pretty good. He has a strong voice, if a little childish. But he's trying.
Randy seems tired, "You know what, props, it was good, dawg. It was good." Anfernie is what he is. He's not going to be the Idol. The reason is he's made an effort to appeal to a wider audience, but it hasn't succeeded. He has to grow as a person in order to grow as a performer. That takes time he hasn't got, at this point.
Paula gives good advice; it's just much, much too late. She praises the performance then urges him to "start raising up the stakes and stretch." Funny how that was the same advice she gave Bo. I hope he listens. Simon says that on a positive note, "You sang it well." But then on the negative, "With all the film clips it's like Miss Universe. It felt cynical, gooey. Syrupy."
Oh, Simon, that IS country. It is syrupy & gooey. Ryan assures us there is no swimsuit competition. Cle
Philadelphia Theme is Next….AFTER the brak.
Ryan is in the audience again. At least they've kept these forays to short bursts, rather than extended versions. We get a blurbie about Kenny Gamble & Leon Huff. Did you know that one of their songs is played somewhere in the world every 14 minutes? I think the key question is, are they getting paid every time?
It's a miracle, really, that they're still alive, and able to enjoy the recognition. Ryan filler-terviews them to let them name-drop the famous doo-dahs with whom they've worked over the years. Are those yo-yos in the audience? No. So I shan't mention them.
Carrie sings If You Don't Know Me By Now, this season's doorknob song. Everyone is having a turn! First, she gives a frog-in-throat shout-out to her sisters Shanna & Stephanie, who mean so much.
She's donned a new outfit of white top over dark pants, but the song is meh. I'm reading the boards while she performs. I usually enjoy watching her sing but this is not compelling material.
Randy says it's one of those things that just didn't work. The echo in the room named Paula says the same thing in twice as many words. Simon sucks up to Gamble & Hoff by proclaiming it one of the best pop songs, then disses "somebody" over the appalling arrangement which was boring, lethargic and a complete & utter mess. You know, it was just the other episode we were informed of the contestants' typical week. We saw them instructing the band on how they wanted to present their songs. So, I think it's wrong of Simon to blame the band, when clearly it's Carrie's responsibility to tell them what she wants to do.
Bo is doing For The Love of Money performed by the O Jays. He dedicates it to his parents. He loves them and thanks them for all they put up with. He wouldn't be the man he is today without their help and guidance and whatnot. Aww.
The song begins, and I'm going, "Cool!! So THAT'S what this is called!" I recognize the song from The Apprentice, of course. Bo has splurged on this week's outfit. The sunglasses work for this number. He's in a suit, but shirtless. The suit jacket moves and I see a big "$" belt buckle. Then, the crowning touch - he's wearing flip-flops. Hahaha. Oh god. What a number! Hilarious, but still cool. I love it! He sings well, hitting some of those delicious bass notes, and receives a huge cheer + standing O. The cheering doesn't die down quickly, either. Randy has to wait and wait to begin his commentary.
Randy says he loved it and hopes it's on the album. Paula says it was the best performance so far. Simon remarks he thought Donald Trump wrote that song. Bwahaha. But then, so did I, in the sense "had the song written for his show." Simon adds, "Terrible image, fantastic performance." He misses the point that Bo was making, which I thought was a kind of Emperor's New Shoes thing. Simon isn't as cool as he wants to believe. I liked the whole performance and presentation. One of his top 3 best songs so far.
Vonzell performs Don't Leave Me This Way. Oh, I hope she isn't going to leave. She dedicates to her mom & dad, and thanks them for working two and three jobs to provide for the family. That's quite touching. Theirs is a loving family, for sure.
She's wearing a brown shirt, with black pants. She belts the song out with feeling, and creates those oh-so-important images in the listener's mind. I could see the whole scenario - her desperate & pleading, the guy standing there, fixing his tie in the mirror, not even looking at his frantic wife. She sold that song. It was a great performance, definitely one of her best. Paula leaps to her feet, starved for attention.
Randy commends V on an excellent job. "You can definitely sing," he says. "You raised the roof." Paula repeats herself from previous Vonzell commentaries, "You take risks, you stretch your vocal performance, you achieve your own personal best." Blather, blather. Simon says, "You pulled out that stops on that one - it was a manic performance, a lot better than the first one." Well, we're all on the same page, then.
Anfernie chooses If You Don't Know Me By Now, the same song Carrie recently butchered. Why? Because it's his turn. He thanks his parents for giving him the all-American dream.
He has created a better arrangement of the song. After all, it was the same band playing the song, so clearly the difference in presentation had something to do with the instructions he provided the band for how he wanted to do the song. He does a much better job with it than Carrie.
Randy says Anfernie reminds him of Simply Red. He liked the performance, "You worked it out." Paula says he "came out with conviction and nailed it." Simon gives kudos to the band for the better arrangement. Then he tells Anfernie he needs soul to sing that song. "It came over like
Woody Allen playing the lead in Shahft."
The usual performance review, Ryan blah-blah and we're done for Tuesday. As many of you know, it was over to The Amazing Race finale, which saw Rob & Amber finish in second place to Uchenna & Joyce. That show sparked a lot of controversy but now I've come to terms with the result.
Wednesday
Ryan asks us to imagine beating 100,000 others to get this far. Then imagine being this close and being sent home.
He's in a gray suit, uber-corporate tie (electric blue diagonal stripes on dark blue background - how dorky is he?) and a white shirt. He could be on the Apprentice in this get-up. He looks good though. Ryan has grown on me over the years, he really has. Remember when I used to insult him all the time?
He introduces the judges, who act like they're having a super-important confab when they're just chuckling over Ryan's pompous outfit.
Ryan does another performance review. Then he shills for casting calls and the tour.
Group Sing. The final 4 sing Islands in the Stream. It sucks. Maybe not quite as bad as last week, but there's only been one decent Group Sing all season. Not that I can remember the name of it, only the fact of it. I recall lauding one of these performances as being not nearly as sickening as usual. Hardly a ringing endorsement. Why must we have these dreadful things each week? They're ill-prepared and quite pointless. They're all dolled up: Carrie in some white t-shirt and check pants, bright pink top and jeans for Vonzell, Bo in jeans and dark burgundy shirt not tucked in and Anfernie in a jacket over a t-shirt, black jeans, white sneakers. They look ridiculous. Have they teleported back 50 years from their retirement home in Miami just for this gig?
The song's lyrics were especially discombobulating. Watching them sing "let's make love to each other" to each other was too weird for me. And you must know me by now - I'm not weirded out by the average stuff. I'm still here, aren't I? Then they kept changing the object of their singing, moving around in self-conscious choreography.
The Car Commercial is set on a roller coaster and everyone's hair has been done up in bizarre fashion. I forgot to note the song. Highly forgettable. Bo's hair resembles Carrie's on Musicals night.
For tonight's filler, Ryan shleps us back to the auditions, screaming and crying. He assures us there won't be any "bad" auditions. This time it's "our final four."
In Florida Vonzell wore mismatched shoes to complement her pink and green outfit. She sang Chain of Fools. Vonzell in the "now" thought it was funny. Ryan asks Randy how far she's come, he replies she's grown a lot. She wasn't believing in herself and hadn't the conviction. Now, she has.
Anthony auditioned in Cleveland and sang Angel by John Secada. Simon commented that he was reminded of Clay. LL Cool J was the guest and said yes, and everyone agreed. In the "now," Anfernie says he looked goofy. Paula thinks he has his own unique identity and that there is no longer a comparison to Clay. Did I mention Paula lives in her own little world of delusion? Break for ads.
Carrie drove 8 miles to St Louis. Wait, that can't be right. It must have been 80 or 800. She sang I Can't Make You Love Me - I remember this. It was awesome. In the corner of the screen we watch her watching herself and shaking her head.
Randy said definitely and Paula told her she was through to Hollywood. In the "now," Ryan asks Simon if he was surprised she was undiscovered. Simon says she was one of the few he remembered and thought she could win. Uh oh. Talk about hearing it from the horse's mouth. He adds she's in the top 4 and stands a good chance of winning.
Bo also auditioned in Florida. His is the only unseen audition. He said, "American Idol could use some rock, soul, some glue." He sang Whipping Post and it was rough, but the power of his vocal was evident. Everyone said yes, definitely.
They loved his audition. We learn it
took Simon a long time to stop calling Bo, "Harold." He says that Bo is an individual with a good voice and a good attitude.
Next, we learn that the final 3 will receive a Marquis Jet card and allowed to leave the compound to go visit with their families on a kind of mandatory pit stop. After the whirlwind VIP visit they'll return to get back to work. The loser tonight gets a one-way coach ticket home, unless his folks are here and can afford business class.
Bo is safe. Carrie is safe and she runs and leaps into Bo's arms. There is squealing. Ryan stands between Anthony & Vonzell to deliver the news. Vonzell is safe! Yay!!! Anthony takes it well. (He's also no longer Anfernie, now that he's out.) Carrie weeps as he sings his song.
And now... PrimeAMAItime. It's the news & science fiction portion of the recap. First we have a Simon-story, just breaking now.
Simon's breasts. Have they always been there? Sources say Simon has been taking part in a scientific experiment in which he applies this genetically manufactured personal cream to his chest to induce breasts to grow. What is not clear is whether it's part of a super-secret government experiment which is being carried out in front of the whole world, or some other as-yet unrevealed diabolical plan. Our investigators are investigating and we'll bring you developments as they occur.
In other Last-minute News, why is Carrie doing Trouble & Sin Wagon when she looks like sugar & spice & everything Apple Pie? It doesn't feel real, it feels like a programmed robot. Now that Anthony is gone, the VFTW are supporting Carrie, whom they call FarmBot:
She may be a phony bad girl, but on the other hand, what else is there for Carrie to connect with? Is there a song about studying for finals and hoping your grades are good enough for your college of choice?
Bo unquestionably deserves to be in the final 2. Vote for Bo! Good luck Vonzell - I hope you make it to the F2!
Thanks for reading.
I'm too late for Ryan's opening blather. Will I never learn which channel this flipping show is on? I arrive in time for opening credits. Beedee beedee beedop beedee beedop beedeep. Whose face will be added to the montage next season? Will there even be a next season, with the controversy swirling around charges of sexual misconduct? Sex is such a touchy subject, isn't it? Touchy feely. Fun. Yet the rules seem to be set up and designed so people will "fail." Anyway, this is a singing competition, not a "who can sleep with the most inappropriate person" competition. Because we all know who would win that, don't we?
Speaking of Ryan, tonight's ensemble comprises a black suit and a pale peppermint green t-shirt with writing on it. "Simon - Meet Me at the Krispy Kreme." Actually, I think it said, "King of the Scene" which is more or less the same thing. Does Ryan think this looks cool? Seriously, T-shirts with cutesie slogans detract from the package, Ryan. Eschew them. If you're going to advertise something, I suggest Fear Factor. LOL. But then, I would suggest something like that. I love to be difficult.
By law, Ryan has to spend a couple of minutes chatting with us. "How was your week?" he asks, addressing everyone and no-one all at once. He is sheepish and affronted at the same time. Ryan has many talents and skills: he's not just an advertising billboard. He alludes, albeit obliquely, to the shock & outrage of the Paula Scandale, "That's what happens when you lose a guy like Scott Savol." Oh my aching rib. The wit and gay repartee. I need an oxygen tank.
Speaking of gay things, we travel back in time once more to the mythical land of Clue-Giving. Ryan goes behind a curtain to fetch this week's "clue" - a near-life-size map of the continental USA. I wish they'd figure out how to hard-wire Alaska and Hawaii onto these maps, don't you? After all, they comprise important demographics. Not to mention homes of Jewel and Jasmine respectively.
Two big stars gleam, one in a "gunbarrel" state and one in New England. He announces that the starred states represent the two themes "starring" in tonight's show. Let me guess: New England Clam Chowder and Kentucky Vintage? Close enough: the Sound of Philadelphia brand cheese and Country Crock. The Philly Sound is represented by two prolific songwriters, Gamble & Hoff. I've never heard of them, but it turns out most of us are familiar with their work. Theme Two is Country Music, from Tennessee surprisingly, a state famous not just for rolling green hills, walking horses, and moonshine whiskey, but also Nashville. Ohhhh, riiiiight, Nashville. Ye Olde Countree Opry. Of course.
Well. Seems like somebody caught a "gimme" of a category, but it's funny how these things work. Survivor fans know all too well how certain challenges appear to favor some over others. Remember Kelly Wigglesworth, the white water rapids "pro" who got beat at a rowing challenge by someone who had just learned to swim? Moral of story: let us not jump to hasty conclusions. Although it was introduced second, Country "I Can't Believe It's Not Heavy Metal" Crock is first. Fire up those toasters! Let's bagel!
Ryan explains that this week, the gaps in the program will be filled with loving messages from the contestants' family members. You know, those people who look forward to quitting their day jobs the nano-second that the newly-anointed star hauls home the first wheelbarrow of cash.
Carrie's sisters Shanna & Stephanie send their little sister sweet messages of love & kindness & encouragement. Aww, I'm getting misty-eyed. Don't blame me if there are typos. I wonder if/when Carrie will be allowed to see the messages. It seems like a mistake to thrust loved ones into her face right before she performs. It could interfere with her ability to remain robotic at all times. Will the world collapse in on itself if she displays real emotions? I expect the Carrie fans will have left the recap at this point.
She has chosen Sin Wagon by the Dixie Chicks for her opening number. Her voice quavers at odd moments throughout the song, because she caught a glimpse of her dear sisters and it choked her up. It IS a test! Because emotions can sneak up on you at any time of the day or night, but the Show Must Go On! You must perform regardless!
Carrie wears her usual country gal outfit of blue jeans and a pretty black top with sparkly decoration at the neckline. It's sweet, but doesn't scream, "Sin Wagon." Unless, that is, she's selling confectionery and other high-trans-fat goodies from a pushcart. That's the extent of sinful Carrie is capable of projecting. It's another bouncy, energetic performance, the kind we've come to expect from her on the fast songs.
For me, the problem with this "Carrie is an evil bad girl" shtick is that it feels like shtick. It doesn't feel real. It was cute the first time, but now it seems forced, as if she's trying desperately to have a risqué personality, to prove she has what will "sell." She looks too angelic to pull off true badness, and why would she want to? To coin a Simonism, it's as if she were 12 years old, being allowed to stay up an extra hour to mingle at the grown-ups' party. Everyone thinks she's adorable because she's on the Sin Wagon. Check out the cheering and standing O that ensue. Naturally.
Randy loves that he knows who she is, because he hates not knowing. "Your kind of music," he says, nodding approvingly, leaving unsaid how much it sucks that she's all wrong for it unless you're a pervert. Paula says Randy said it all, except she keeps talking, "You had fun." I'm starting to see how much of a liar Paula is. Her lying ways are just oozing out all over the place. Simon gives kudos for an effortless performance. He's pleased she showed "personality." Peh. Too bad it was someone else's personality.
TarasMommy, a poster at Sucks involved with VFTW, has it nailed:
I never said she didn't have talent….I said she can sing...but the fact remains that she is not a PERFORMER because she lacks essential stage presence that makes a star. She was specifically warned about that at her audition, and it has not improved. NO....it has not. All she did was get a good stylist to make her look stage worthy.
You can be a great performer and still sing like crap. That's not Carrie's problem. She sings well (most of the time) - the rest of it is crap.
I said she won't make it in the country scene. Just because she's from the farm and has a twang on AI doesn't mean she can compete with the likes of LeAnn Rimes, Barbara Mandrell, k.d. lang, Shania, Emmylou, The Judds.....
My word, she even butchered one of the staples of country music last night! Islands in the Stream is one of my most favorite songs ever....if I were Dolly Parton I would have been hurling the remote at the TV cursing the name of Carrie Underwood. She doesn't have the ability, and had she tried out for Nashville Star, she would never have made it to the finals.
Again, she's got a great voice...but she's not the megastar you people are making her out to be. She's just not there yet. She lacks what Bo and VOnzell already have--the ability to put on an entire show...the whole package. Vonzell may go 'pitchy' at times but her energy and charisma make-up for it. If Carrie's goes pitchy, there's nothing there to cover her except a blank stare and cluztzy cowgirl swaying back and forth.
...and that's why, of the three remaining, Carrie Underwood is the Worst
TarasMommy reckons that if Carrie wins, the producers will try the wholesome route. When that isn't successful enough for them, they'll do what they did with Kelly Clarkson, to wit, from this::
to this:
Ryan basically gives Carrie a chance to state for the record how much she wants to be the American Idol. She deftly sidesteps that pile o' steaming broccoli. Sidesteps it! Like her whole career doesn't depend on her showing extreme excitment and glee at the prospect of being signed by the 'tards who own and run it.
Meanwhile, her poor sweet fanbase, the delightfully deluded CarrieBears, are waiting breathlessly to hear how much she, their favorite, their loved one, wants to be their Idol. And let me tell you, those Care Bears are dedicated. They're nice too, most of them. Just as sweet as she is. And as robotic.
"You don't want it?" Ryan is incredulous. Carrie says calmly, "I want it. I just have a life to go home to afterwards."
"Mooo. MooooooooOOOOOoOOO."
Carrie, your cows are calling you. They miss you. Carrie, go home to Iowa or wherever it is you came from. You're not ready for this.
Ads, but first, Bo soaks up powder. Before you can scream OMG!, not that kind of powder. Make-up, on his forehead. After ads, Ryan shmoozes old Idol contestants. Hey, it's John Stevens, Jasmine what'shername, and um, Mikalah? There's no excuse for forgetting one of this season's contestants. Call it the fleeting fickle finger of fame.
In Bo's Love From Home segment, his parents tell him to be happy. Bo's mom really is good looking, isn't she? I bet she uses Oil of Olay. Someone ought to look into it, because if she's his real mom, and not his stepmother, she either had him when she was 13 or she's using some product that could do with the endorsement and proxy-celebrity star-power.
Bo searched and searched and found the most innocuous country song ever. I bet Travis Tritt forgot it was one of his. "Feelin' Alright" is a happy little stoner ditty. Can I say that? Bo's in a black shirt that also sparkly business around the neckline. Is that "signature country" - clothing with sparkles round the neckline? It's a nice enough song, and I'd probably enjoy it more if I were high, but I'm not, and it isn't lighting a fire in me. Sorry, Bo. I prefer rock to country. Even when it's you doing it, hon.
Why do you suppose he chose such a vapid piece of insipidity? Was he trying to make a statement about country? Because surely there are some interesting and/or upbeat country songs, surely. Do you suppose he chose this because "country isn't his thing?"
Randy tells Bo he's already in the Dawg Pound. Are you as tired of Randy and his dumb Dawg Pound as I am? Why would any of them care whether or not they're in it? It's the most artificial construct on a show filled with artificial constructs. On second thought, maybe it's "code" for "you're going to get a recording contract regardless of how the voting pans out." If that's what it means, then yay!
Randy praises "another great performance" but also says he did not love the song. I agree with him on that much, as does Paula. She grins and, having sensed solid ground, takes the ball and careens around with it, "You need to pick songs that you're rising to the challenge."
Oh god. Why? Why is she still here? I've had to go and get a Paula Translator installed into my brain, because her speechlets require more than mental acrobatics and magic tricks to fill in the missing words.
Simon says, "What Paula was trying to say was, that was very boring." Actually, Simon, what Paula was trying to say was Bo needs to pick songs that challenge him. He could feel challenged by a song that's boring, or he could make a boring song sound exciting and challenging. For once, Paula's version had the potential to be more complex than Simon's. After it went through the AMAI-translator, of course. Simon isn't finished, "A very lazy uninspired and boring song," which frankly describes 98.5% of country music in the first place, so I guess I just answered my original problem with the song. Simon characterizes the performance as a "jam in a local club." Heh. Like Bo did this weekend with Lynyrd Skynyrd? Sorry. I'm being anachronistic. That hadn't happened yet.
But don't you wish Paula had leapt? She always misses her cue. So many good jokes, gone unuttered.
Ryan threatens Simon with Bo's grandma, because Ryan has a special relationship with the fans, and with Bo's grandma especially. Grandma Bice is seated behind Simon and makes with the threatening motions. It's hilarity at its most tepid.
After ads, Ryan shills for the AI Tour again, some more. Yawn. It's that time of the season. Things are winding down, we're down to the final few, and the after-show treats, specials and merchandising begin rearing their (ugly) heads. If they actually want me to get up and go to one of these AI concerts, they need to pad the Top 12 with more talent. I'm just not going to go see Bo do one song. I'm married with a mortgage. I don't have funds for such fripperie.
Vonzell is up next. Her cute brothers send her love & whatnot, which for some reason hits her very, very hard. She's chosen How Do I Live Without You? by Trisha Yearwood. Is this supposed to be a country song? Vonzell makes it sound like mainstream pop. It's boring - now, I see the country connection. My attention wanders and I become mesmerized by her dress. Vonzell is wearing a salmon pink dress that was put through a wood chipper. It is made of an unfortunate material, which up-close is a pattern of flowers but from far away looks as if someone miscalculated the setting on the iron. We're up-close again. I see the flowers. Far away again: who spilled a whole banquet table's worth of alfredo sauce on poor Baby V?
Her voice is getting lost in the orchestration. Is that the fault of the sound engineers? At least she's not smiling the whole time. When she's finished, mega cheering in the audience ensues.
Randy says it started "a lil kinda rough, first couple of bars." Don't tell me I also need a Randy translator installed in my head? He continues, "This song felt too slow, but in the end you always bring it home. I love that you always pick the most difficult song." Phew. Straightforward, if repetitive.
Paula cares about the contestants. She knows something is up with Vonzell, and asks, "How you feelin?" Her voice is motherly and full of concern. That's all it takes. Vonzell's eyes well up, she chokes out that she "had a rough day." Seeing her dad hit her hard. Paula continues babbling about the beauty of the performer who wears her heart on her sleeve, even though she's shaking her head as she delivers this commentary. I hate when people are saying positive things, yet their heads are shaking negatively. Something is always wrong, somewhere, when that happens.
Simon says Vonzell looked & sounded incredibly nervous. He's not a horrible ogre, after all: he recognizes that she is "very emotional" and says he'll leave it there. Vonzell nods her head, openly weeping. What happened? There were rumors about a friend dying, but perhaps it was just the pent-up emotion and excitement of actually reaching this stage in the competition. The realization that her life IS going to change, because she has a fan base, and offers of recording contracts, regardless of when she's eliminated.
Ryan calls Anfernie "the Ukrainian cowboy."
. His parents Natalia & Vladimir are onscreen to send love &
encouragement to their lad. She speaks in English, with some difficulty, "I love you so much, you're my little baby. Good luck to you for
everything." It's kind of touching. He's probably got it made, at least a little bit, having reached the final 4 and built a solid fanbase of
preteens.
To sing his country song, Anfernie begins seated onstage. It's his thing, now. He's in jeans, a black tee and a jean jacket. I'm Already There is probably the name of the song. Why have they decided we don't need to hear the titles of these ditties? He sounds pretty good. He has a strong voice, if a little childish. But he's trying.
Randy seems tired, "You know what, props, it was good, dawg. It was good." Anfernie is what he is. He's not going to be the Idol. The reason is he's made an effort to appeal to a wider audience, but it hasn't succeeded. He has to grow as a person in order to grow as a performer. That takes time he hasn't got, at this point.
Paula gives good advice; it's just much, much too late. She praises the performance then urges him to "start raising up the stakes and stretch." Funny how that was the same advice she gave Bo. I hope he listens. Simon says that on a positive note, "You sang it well." But then on the negative, "With all the film clips it's like Miss Universe. It felt cynical, gooey. Syrupy."
Oh, Simon, that IS country. It is syrupy & gooey. Ryan assures us there is no swimsuit competition. Cle
Philadelphia Theme is Next….AFTER the brak.
Ryan is in the audience again. At least they've kept these forays to short bursts, rather than extended versions. We get a blurbie about Kenny Gamble & Leon Huff. Did you know that one of their songs is played somewhere in the world every 14 minutes? I think the key question is, are they getting paid every time?
It's a miracle, really, that they're still alive, and able to enjoy the recognition. Ryan filler-terviews them to let them name-drop the famous doo-dahs with whom they've worked over the years. Are those yo-yos in the audience? No. So I shan't mention them.
Carrie sings If You Don't Know Me By Now, this season's doorknob song. Everyone is having a turn! First, she gives a frog-in-throat shout-out to her sisters Shanna & Stephanie, who mean so much.
She's donned a new outfit of white top over dark pants, but the song is meh. I'm reading the boards while she performs. I usually enjoy watching her sing but this is not compelling material.
Randy says it's one of those things that just didn't work. The echo in the room named Paula says the same thing in twice as many words. Simon sucks up to Gamble & Hoff by proclaiming it one of the best pop songs, then disses "somebody" over the appalling arrangement which was boring, lethargic and a complete & utter mess. You know, it was just the other episode we were informed of the contestants' typical week. We saw them instructing the band on how they wanted to present their songs. So, I think it's wrong of Simon to blame the band, when clearly it's Carrie's responsibility to tell them what she wants to do.
Bo is doing For The Love of Money performed by the O Jays. He dedicates it to his parents. He loves them and thanks them for all they put up with. He wouldn't be the man he is today without their help and guidance and whatnot. Aww.
The song begins, and I'm going, "Cool!! So THAT'S what this is called!" I recognize the song from The Apprentice, of course. Bo has splurged on this week's outfit. The sunglasses work for this number. He's in a suit, but shirtless. The suit jacket moves and I see a big "$" belt buckle. Then, the crowning touch - he's wearing flip-flops. Hahaha. Oh god. What a number! Hilarious, but still cool. I love it! He sings well, hitting some of those delicious bass notes, and receives a huge cheer + standing O. The cheering doesn't die down quickly, either. Randy has to wait and wait to begin his commentary.
Randy says he loved it and hopes it's on the album. Paula says it was the best performance so far. Simon remarks he thought Donald Trump wrote that song. Bwahaha. But then, so did I, in the sense "had the song written for his show." Simon adds, "Terrible image, fantastic performance." He misses the point that Bo was making, which I thought was a kind of Emperor's New Shoes thing. Simon isn't as cool as he wants to believe. I liked the whole performance and presentation. One of his top 3 best songs so far.
Vonzell performs Don't Leave Me This Way. Oh, I hope she isn't going to leave. She dedicates to her mom & dad, and thanks them for working two and three jobs to provide for the family. That's quite touching. Theirs is a loving family, for sure.
She's wearing a brown shirt, with black pants. She belts the song out with feeling, and creates those oh-so-important images in the listener's mind. I could see the whole scenario - her desperate & pleading, the guy standing there, fixing his tie in the mirror, not even looking at his frantic wife. She sold that song. It was a great performance, definitely one of her best. Paula leaps to her feet, starved for attention.
Randy commends V on an excellent job. "You can definitely sing," he says. "You raised the roof." Paula repeats herself from previous Vonzell commentaries, "You take risks, you stretch your vocal performance, you achieve your own personal best." Blather, blather. Simon says, "You pulled out that stops on that one - it was a manic performance, a lot better than the first one." Well, we're all on the same page, then.
Anfernie chooses If You Don't Know Me By Now, the same song Carrie recently butchered. Why? Because it's his turn. He thanks his parents for giving him the all-American dream.
He has created a better arrangement of the song. After all, it was the same band playing the song, so clearly the difference in presentation had something to do with the instructions he provided the band for how he wanted to do the song. He does a much better job with it than Carrie.
Randy says Anfernie reminds him of Simply Red. He liked the performance, "You worked it out." Paula says he "came out with conviction and nailed it." Simon gives kudos to the band for the better arrangement.
Then he tells Anfernie he needs soul to sing that song. "It came over like
Woody Allen playing the lead in Shahft."
The usual performance review, Ryan blah-blah and we're done for Tuesday. As many of you know, it was over to The Amazing Race finale, which saw Rob & Amber finish in second place to Uchenna & Joyce. That show sparked a lot of controversy but now I've come to terms with the result.
Wednesday
Ryan asks us to imagine beating 100,000 others to get this far. Then imagine being this close and being sent home.
He's in a gray suit, uber-corporate tie (electric blue diagonal stripes on dark blue background - how dorky is he?) and a white shirt. He could be on the Apprentice in this get-up. He looks good though. Ryan has grown on me over the years, he really has. Remember when I used to insult him all the time?
He introduces the judges, who act like they're having a super-important confab when they're just chuckling over Ryan's pompous outfit.
Ryan does another performance review. Then he shills for casting calls and the tour.
Group Sing. The final 4 sing Islands in the Stream. It sucks. Maybe not quite as bad as last week, but there's only been one decent Group Sing all season. Not that I can remember the name of it, only the fact of it. I recall lauding one of these performances as being not nearly as sickening as usual. Hardly a ringing endorsement. Why must we have these dreadful things each week? They're ill-prepared and quite pointless. They're all dolled up: Carrie in some white t-shirt and check pants, bright pink top and jeans for Vonzell, Bo in jeans and dark burgundy shirt not tucked in and Anfernie in a jacket over a t-shirt, black jeans, white sneakers. They look ridiculous. Have they teleported back 50 years from their retirement home in Miami just for this gig?
The song's lyrics were especially discombobulating. Watching them sing "let's make love to each other" to each other was too weird for me. And you must know me by now - I'm not weirded out by the average stuff. I'm still here, aren't I? Then they kept changing the object of their singing, moving around in self-conscious choreography.
The Car Commercial is set on a roller coaster and everyone's hair has been done up in bizarre fashion. I forgot to note the song. Highly forgettable. Bo's hair resembles Carrie's on Musicals night.
For tonight's filler, Ryan shleps us back to the auditions, screaming and crying. He assures us there won't be any "bad" auditions. This time it's "our final four."
In Florida Vonzell wore mismatched shoes to complement her pink and green outfit. She sang Chain of Fools. Vonzell in the "now" thought it was funny. Ryan asks Randy how far she's come, he replies she's grown a lot. She wasn't believing in herself and hadn't the conviction. Now, she has.
Anthony auditioned in Cleveland and sang Angel by John Secada. Simon commented that he was reminded of Clay. LL Cool J was the guest and said yes, and everyone agreed. In the "now," Anfernie says he looked goofy. Paula thinks he has his own unique identity and that there is no longer a comparison to Clay. Did I mention Paula lives in her own little world of delusion? Break for ads.
Carrie drove 8 miles to St Louis. Wait, that can't be right. It must have been 80 or 800. She sang I Can't Make You Love Me - I remember this. It was awesome. In the corner of the screen we watch her watching herself and shaking her head.
Randy said definitely and Paula told her she was through to Hollywood. In the "now," Ryan asks Simon if he was surprised she was undiscovered. Simon says she was one of the few he remembered and thought she could win. Uh oh. Talk about hearing it from the horse's mouth. He adds she's in the top 4 and stands a good chance of winning.
Bo also auditioned in Florida. His is the only unseen audition. He said, "American Idol could use some rock, soul, some glue." He sang Whipping Post and it was rough, but the power of his vocal was evident. Everyone said yes, definitely.
They loved his audition. We learn it
took Simon a long time to stop calling Bo, "Harold." He says that Bo is an individual with a good voice and a good attitude.
Next, we learn that the final 3 will receive a Marquis Jet card and allowed to leave the compound to go visit with their families on a kind of mandatory pit stop. After the whirlwind VIP visit they'll return to get back to work. The loser tonight gets a one-way coach ticket home, unless his folks are here and can afford business class.
Bo is safe. Carrie is safe and she runs and leaps into Bo's arms. There is squealing. Ryan stands between Anthony & Vonzell to deliver the news. Vonzell is safe! Yay!!! Anthony takes it well. (He's also no longer Anfernie, now that he's out.) Carrie weeps as he sings his song.
And now... PrimeAMAItime. It's the news & science fiction portion of the recap. First we have a Simon-story, just breaking now.
Simon's breasts. Have they always been there? Sources say Simon has been taking part in a scientific experiment in which he applies this genetically manufactured personal cream to his chest to induce breasts to grow. What is not clear is whether it's part of a super-secret government experiment which is being carried out in front of the whole world, or some other as-yet unrevealed diabolical plan. Our investigators are investigating and we'll bring you developments as they occur.
In other Last-minute News, why is Carrie doing Trouble & Sin Wagon when she looks like sugar & spice & everything Apple Pie? It doesn't feel real, it feels like a programmed robot. Now that Anthony is gone, the VFTW are supporting Carrie, whom they call FarmBot:
She may be a phony bad girl, but on the other hand, what else is there for Carrie to connect with? Is there a song about studying for finals and hoping your grades are good enough for your college of choice?
Bo unquestionably deserves to be in the final 2. Vote for Bo! Good luck Vonzell - I hope you make it to the F2!
Thanks for reading.
